The Tempest, an adaptation of sorts
by PhoenixGryffin
Summary: This is Shakespeare's The Tempest. But it's not exactly the same...there are quite a few other Shakespearean characters making very strange cameos in this as well. It's helpful if you've read some Shakespeare, especially The Tempest, but you don't have to have read any to enjoy this!
1. The Play's The Thing

**The Tempest: an adaptation of sorts**

* * *

(All the actors in the first scene of The Tempest are on stage, about to start the show. Just then, Hamlet, Ophelia, Claudius, Gertrude, and a bunch of other unimportant people run onstage.)

Hamlet: Ah, good, the players are here!

Claudius: So WHY did you want me to watch this anyway?

Hamlet: Uh...no reason...none at all...I mean, it's for entertainment, that's all. Yeah, harmless amusement. The play's the thing, right?

Claudius: Whatever. You're insane, so I shouldn't even bother talking to you.

(Claudius, Ophelia, and all the other unimportant people go to an above balcony, leaving Hamlet standing awkwardly in the midst of all the characters from The Tempest.)

Hamlet: Finally he's gone. Hey guys, can you add these lines to the play? *gives stack of papers*

Antonio: We can't learn that! The play's about to start!

Hamlet: But...but I'm from Denmark!

Sebastian: And I'm lazy by nature. No one cares, kid. Go away.

Hamlet: Fine. Whatever. But try to emphasize the lines about, you know, overthrowing kings and stuff like that.

Alonso: We'll see what we can do.

Hamlet: Great! *runs up to join the others in the balcony* I love plays!

Ophelia (in a high-pitched voice reminiscent of Ron Weasley from Potter Puppet Pals): And I love you, Hamlet!

Gertrude: And I love you, Claudius!

Hamlet: *sigh*

(Lights dim. A Voice From Above is heard.)

Voice From Above: Today's play is called...The Murder of Gonzalo.

Gonzalo: WHAT? This isn't a tragedy! No one's supposed to die! People only die in tragedies, unless they're stupid in a comedy! *sigh* My agent will hear about this.

Voice From Above: Sorry, my mistake. The play is actually called The Tempest, Or A Story Where No One Actually Dies Although There Are Many Instances Of Backstabbing Brothers Which Is An Oblique Hint To Someone Who Happens To Be King Of Denmark In Our Audience. It can also be called The Mousetrap, if you like.

(Curtains close and then reopen. Everyone's on a ship.)

Captain: Boatswain! Get over here now!

Boatswain: Dude, I am NOT getting you any more drinks. I'm not a waiter.

Captain: No! This is serious! We're all gonna DIE!

Boatswain: Oh, ok.

(A bunch of people enter)

Everyone except Gonzalo: AAAHHHHHHHH!

Gonzalo: We're all gonna eat pie?

Antonio: No, you idiot. We're all gonna die!

Gonzalo: AAAHHHHHHH!

Alonso: Yeah. Anyways, I am the King of Naples so that automatically makes me 5000 times more awesome than you, Boatswain. I must see the captain.

Boatswain: I don't think so, bro. You're in our way.

Alonso: "Bro?" I am the KING!

Boatswain: Whatevs. You're interfering with emergency protocol, so get out of our way, give thanks you have lived a long life, go back to your seat and prepare to die.

Alonso: ...

(Everyone leaves except Antonio, Sebastian, and Gonzalo.)

Gonzalo: He's going to be hanged.

Sebastian: Umm...Gonzalo? Where the heck did that come from?

Gonzalo: It was one of my more brilliant thoughts.

Antonio: Okay then. Let's all sink with the king. Because I'm totally loyal to the king. Even though later I'm going to help Sebastian plot to KILL HIS BROTHER, THE KING.

Hamlet (from above): Nice!

Claudius (also from above): What? Sorry, I wasn't listening.

Hamlet (still from above): You...you weren't listening? At all? You didn't hear...Never mind. Carry on.

Sebastian: Er-right. I'm loyal too.

(Antonio and Sebastian leave, leaving only Gonzalo)

Gonzalo: Boatswain, because for some reason that's his real name, had better be hanged. Because if he doesn't get hanged, we're screwed, man. We. Are. Screwed.

(curtains close)

* * *

**So, did you like it? Did you understand the Hamlet references? If you've never read Hamlet (which is sad, because it's awesome!), basically Claudius was Hamlet's uncle who killed Hamlet's father, the king, and took his throne. So yeah.**

** Also, which characters from other Shakespearean plays would you like to have appear next? I've already got quite a few that will be making an appearance in the next few scenes. But I'd love to hear your thoughts. So please review! Whether it's a compliment or critique, your thoughts are very much appreciated. :)**


	2. Whack A Shrew

**Wow! Chapter 2 after only 1 day! I'm on a roll. XD **

* * *

(The curtains are still closed. Hamlet, Ophelia, Gertrude, Claudius, and all the other unimportant people are still in the balcony. Bartholomew the Page who is dressed as a girl and Sly walk into another balcony on the other side of the stage, across from Hamlet & co.)

Bartholomew the Page who is dressed as a girl which is really too long for me to type so we're just gonna call him Page from now on: My lord, let's watch this play as well.

Sly: No way! I just had to sit through that play about shrews, and this one's called The Mousetrap. I hate rodents!

Voice From Above: Actually, it's not called The Mousetrap. Hamlet just told me to say that.

Hamlet: Well...well, it's a good title! Isn't it?

Voice From Above: Not really, but whatever.

Sly: Ok then. But the last play was so boring!

Page: Um, sir, did you even watch it?

Sly: I-uh...yeah. Yeah, of course I did! It was about some girl, and this other girl, and this guy, and then...these man-eating rodents attacked the town, and then everyone performed the hula, and...uh...

Page: You didn't watch it.

Sly: Alright, fine. Fine. Be that way.

(Curtain finally opens)

Miranda: Daaaaaddy, there was, like, a giant ship! And it crashed into the island! And OMG everyone's dead! You didn't save them! You could have saved them!

Prospero: They didn't die.

Miranda: I'm not blind! Their ship. Freaking. Crashed. Methinks they are dead.

Prospero: Since when did you start saying 'Methinks'?

Miranda: Since now.

Prospero (aside): Teenagers are weird.

Miranda: I heard that!

Prospero (distractedly): Good for you, dear. Now I made the ship crash because I'm going to tell you something.

Miranda: What?

Prospero: It is very important.

Miranda: Tell me!

Prospero: It will change the course of your-

Miranda: TELL ME NOW!

Prospero: Alright, alright. Basically,

I used to be the Duke of Milan.

Miranda: Oh the heavens! (Shakespearean form of OMG)

Prospero: But I had an evil brother. His name was Antonio. He was jealous of my super-mega-foxy-awesome-hot skills. Plus I was good at magic and stuff. So then-

Hamlet (above)-Claudius, are you listening?

Claudius (above as well)-Um, yeah.

Prospero: As I was saying, so then my EVIL BROTHER WANTED TO RULE, SO HE STOLE MY LEADERSHIP.

Claudius (of course he's still above): Hmm. This seems familiar.

Hamlet (to himself. also above, what did you expect?): I knew it! But I'm staying-just in case. There are a lot more lines like this. (out loud) Nice acting, Prospero!

Prospero: Thanks! Now as I was saying, Antonio sent us to this island 12 years ago and now he's the duke. But I made the ship crash because my return to power depends on a passenger on that ship.

Miranda: Oooh. Wait a minute. What the heck does the ship have to do with you being the Duke of Milan anyway?

Prospero: Er, haha. I'll tell you that later. Now you look like you could use some sleep.

(He waves his magic staff over her head, but nothing happens. Miranda just stares at him blankly.)

Prospero: Stupid staff!

(He shakes his staff violently, and then waves it over Miranda's head again. Still, nothing happens.)

Miranda: Dad, what the heck are you doing?

Prospero: Just wait a second, sweetheart.

(He waves it over her head a third time, but once again nothing happens. Exasperated, he smashes the staff down-onto Miranda's head. She falls over, unconscious.)

Prospero: Well, that works too. I guess it's a good way to tame a shrew.

Page (from above, applauding): Bravo! Wonderful! My lord, how do you like it?

Sly (from above, definitely NOT applauding) It's awful. I'm leaving.

(He leaves.)

Page (above): Wait! You...you can't just leave!

(He runs out after Sly.)

Prospero: Well, now we're rid of those two.

(The curtains don't actually close, but the chapter ends here, so just PRETEND they do.)

* * *

**Sorry if this chapter wasn't as good as the previous one. The actual scene is just a yawn-fest where Prospero tells Miranda that Antonio overthrew him. Except for that he phrases it in 3 different ways and drags it out for as long as possible. So I didn't have many options with this one. Plus, Prospero and Miranda are the only 2 characters in the original scene, so that was kind of restricting as well.**

**Page and Sly are from The Taming of The Shrew. They're pretty minor characters, but I had to add them because in The Taming of The Shrew, they're watching the play. So I decided they needed to watch another one. Will they be back? Mayyybe...you'll just have to wait and find out. **

**I left Hamlet and co. because, hey, I'm a Hamlet fangirl, and what story isn't better without Hamlet? *shrugs***

**Again, if you have any suggestions, please review! All reviews are appreciated. :)**


	3. Spirits Like Movies, Too

**Rolling, rolling, rolling, keep these chapters rolling...I'm just going quickly now, because currently I have a lot of time on my hands. I won't once summer school starts Monday, though, so just be prepared for me going a lot slower then.**

* * *

(I think you get the idea by now. Hamlet and co. are sitting in the balcony. Prospero is standing onstage. Miranda is knocked out onstage.)

Prospero: Okayyy, so now that that's all taken care of, I'm ready for my servant to approach! Approach, Ariel!

(An awkward silence is heard.)

Prospero: Ahem. I said, APPROACH, ARIEL!

(Puck runs out.)

Puck: Hello, master! What should I do for you? Should I get you a flower?

Ophelia (above): I love flowers!

Puck: Should I-

Prospero: I...don't think you're Ariel.

Puck: Er, hold on a second.

(Puck puts on a fake mustache.)

Puck: Anyway, hello, master! What can I do for you? Should I-

Prospero: Now I KNOW you're not Ariel. Ariel doesn't have a mustache.

Puck: So?

Prospero: So you're not Ariel. Ariel, get out here now!

(Finally, the real Ariel runs out.)

Prospero: There you are, Ariel! Did you do everything I told you? Who is this imposter?

Ariel: Yeah, I did. And...uh...that's Puck. Puck's just a friend. You know, we hang out on Fridays. Watch movies and stuff like that.

Prospero (to himself): I didn't know spirits watched movies. (out loud) Okay then. But I am going to ask you a very important question.

Ariel (quietly): It's finally happening.

Prospero: One that may change the course of your life.

Ariel (still quietly): He'll say, 'Ariel, do you want to be free?'

Prospero: Alright then, here goes.

Ariel (STILL quietly): And I'll say 'Heck yeah!'

Prospero: So my very important question is...Do spirits have genders?

Ariel (out loud-thank goodness.): Heck y-wait...WHAT?

Prospero: *sigh* Well, do spirits have genders? I mean, because in the older versions of this play, Ariel's portrayed as a male. But in more modern versions, Ariel's female. But I never even thought spirits HAD genders. So do they? And what gender are you?

Ariel: Er...I never really thought about this.

Prospero: Well, I'm sure you'll make up your mind eventually. Now I have a bunch of work for you to do.

Ariel: No way, José!

Prospero: You did not just say that.

Puck: Are you deaf, man? He-she-uh...Ariel did indeed just say that.

Ariel (annoyed): You're SO helpful, Puck. But yes, I did just say that. I've been working for you for twelve years, and I never even got a coffee break.

Prospero: Well, too bad! You're a spirit! Do you remember the torment you were in when I found you?

Ariel: Oh no. Please don't start the monologue again.

Hamlet (above): What's so bad about monologues?

Ariel: Nothing! Nothing at all! But hearing the same monologue over and over for the past twelve years tends to get pretty annoying.

Hamlet (above): Oh, ok. Good. Because I love monologues.

Ophelia (above also): And I love you, Hamlet!

Gertrude (above as well): And I love you, Claudius!

Hamlet (I think you realize he's above by now): *sigh* I really should not have said that.

Ariel: But Prospero, don't start the monologue. Here, I'll recap it for you. There was this witch named Sycorax. She was evil. She had a son, but he's not important until the next chapter. But so she got banished to live on this island. She put me in a pine tree for twelve years. It was boring. There wasn't even an iPod there or anything. Then she died, making her basically a useless filler character that never even actually appears in the play. Then you rescued me. And I've been working for you ever since, and personally I'm not sure if that's better or worse than being stuck in a pine tree. But that's the monologue.

Prospero: Wow. I'm impressed. I might just set you free for that.

Ariel and Puck: Yay!

Prospero: But first you have to do work for me.

Ariel and Puck: Aww.

Prospero: *stage whispers to Ariel*

Puck (while he's whispering): Well, this is kind of awkward. I come here to watch a movie and instead I end up watching Ariel deliver a monologue that Prospero was supposed to say originally. Oh well. At least this'll give me something useful to do.

Prospero (finishing his talk to Ariel): Disguise yourself as a sea nymph and make yourself invisible. Except don't make yourself invisible to me, because that'd just be awkward. Now go!

Ariel: Ok! (starts to leave) Wait! Can Puck come too?

Prospero: Uhh...I don't know...

Ariel and Puck: Pleeeeease?

Prospero: *sigh* All right. Fine.

Ariel and Puck: Yaaaay!

(They start skipping away, linking arms.)

Ariel and Puck (singing): _We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of...the island!_

(They skip offstage, still singing. Puck is still wearing the mustache.)

Prospero: Oh boy. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea.

(Once more, pretend the curtains close.)

* * *

**Again, this was tough because the real thing is just a monologue from Prospero (Ariel unfortunately can't stop him from talking in the real play.) and Ariel basically going, "I'm sorry! I will obey your every command!" So it was really hard to adapt also. Sorry about that.**

**Puck is from A Midsummer Night's Dream. When I first read A Midsummer Night's Dream, (I had read The Tempest first) Puck just really reminded me of Ariel. So it only seems natural that they would be friends.**

**Again, if you have any characters you'd like to see appear in upcoming scenes, please let me know! :) Reviews are very much appreciated. Thanks for reading! :D**


	4. Bunny Spirits And Scottish Plays

**Yay! Another chapter! But bad news...summer school starts tomorrow. So the chapters probably won't be coming out quite so quickly then. :( But you never know. *shrugs***

* * *

(You know where everyone is.)

Prospero: Awake, Miranda!

(He waves his staff over her head. Nothing happens.)

Prospero: Gah! Stupid thing. Screw this.

(He shakes her awake rather violently.)

Miranda: Hi Dad...ow. I have a headache.

Prospero: Meh, shake it off. Come on, let's call my slave Caliban because I really have nothing better to do right now.

Miranda: No way! He's a stalker.

Prospero: He's not a stalker, he's a creeper. They aren't the same, despite popular belief. (louder)

Caliban, get out here!

Caliban (from offstage): No. You have enough wood. Why do you even need wood in the summer anyway?

Prospero: Because I have super-mega-foxy-awesome-hot magical skills. Plus I hate you. Get out here before my spirits viciously maul you!

(A bunny spirit hops out and stares at Prospero with big, innocent eyes.)

Prospero: Uh...yes, they'll maul you viciously. Just get out here.

Caliban (now he's onstage): I hate you, Prospero! I hate you, Miranda! I hate you, bunny spirit!

Bunny Spirit: He's meeeean! (hops away)

Prospero: Well, we all hate you too, Caliban. The feeling is mutual.

Caliban: You know what they say-there's a fine line between hate and love!

Hamlet (above): So if I tell Ophelia to go to a nunnery, it really means I love her?

Ophelia (also above): Oh, Hamlet! I never thought of it like that! I love you, Hamlet!

Gertrude (still above): And I love you, Claudius!

Hamlet (above once more): *sigh* I really shouldn't be talking during the play.

Miranda (very much onstage, aka not above): Caliban! You stalker-I mean, creeper! This is why I hate you!

Caliban: Aw, dang it. But anyway, this island used to be MINE, given to me by my mother Sycorax, a very powerful witch!

Mysterious Voice Offstage 1: Did he say, "witch"?

Mysterious Voice Offstage 2: Did he say, "Sycorax"?

Mysterious Voice Offstage C: Did he say, "anyway"?

(The three Mysterious Voices go onstage, where it is revealed that instead of being just random voices like our dear friend the Voice From Above, the three are actually-)

Prospero: Witches!

(Yeah, basically.)

Witch 1: Yes, indeed. We are witches. Or weird sisters, if you want to be WEIRD about it.

(The other two howl with laughter. No one else laughs at all.)

Witch 2: We heard the name Sycorax. We knew her, you see.

Caliban: My mother had a social life?

Witch C: Apparently. Anyway, we decided that we would drop by for a SPELL!

(No one laughs. At all.)

Witch C: Don't you get it? You know, spell? And we're witches...get it...?

Prospero: I demand you leave.

You are breaking and entering-well, as much as you can break into an island...

Witch 1: Ah, who cares. (begins to sing) _Double, double, toil and trouble!_

Witch 2 (still singing): _Fire burn and cauldron bubble!_

Witch C (also singing): Umm...uh..._Something fluffy this way comes!_

(The bunny spirit hops in once more.)

Prospero: Seriously, leave. My spirits are very fierce! They will chase you out if you don't start leaving right now.

Witch 1: Aww, you don't even want to have your fortune told? Macbeth had HIS fortune told!

Prospero: You said the name of the Scottish Play! On stage! Something bad's going to happen now!

(There's a long, awkward silence.)

Miranda: Well, I always knew it was just supersti-

(The bunny spirit starts turning in circles and falls to the ground in a very overdramatic death scene.)

Prospero: NO! You guys killed the bunny spirit!

Witch 1: *shrugs* Not our concern.

Witch 2: We couldn't care less.

Witch C (while waving excitedly): Bye!

(They exit.)

Prospero: Alas, poor bunny spirit. I knew her, Miranda, a spirit of infinite-

(The bunny spirit suddenly hops up, clearly not dead.)

Bunny Spirit: So how'd you guys like it? Do you think I'm good enough to play Juliet?

Prospero: Er...sorry, but Juliet's already slated to appear in the next chapter.

Bunny Spirit: No fair! That's it. I'm leaving with the witches. I hate this stupid island.

(She dons a pair of sunglasses and exits the same way the witches did.)

Prospero: ...Well then. Caliban, go get me some wood.

(Caliban exits.)

Miranda: Hey, Dad?

Prospero: Yes?

Miranda: Can I have some sunglasses like the ones the bunny spirit had?

Prospero: ...

Miranda: Great!

(Pretend the curtains close.)

* * *

**This one was still pretty hard to adapt, but it was a lot of fun, too-more than I expected.**

**The witches are from Mac-**

**Prospero: DON'T SAY IT!**

**Whatever. The witches are from the Scottish Play, if you hadn't guessed that already. If you're wondering why they're singing a song from Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, it's because the Scottish Play came first and the HP movie, much as I hate to say it, shamelessly stole part of the song.**

**As awesome as it would be, the bunny spirit is not from Shakespeare. She's entirely my own creation. **

**Prospero's partial speech- "Alas, poor bunny spirit" is a runoff of Hamlet's "Alas, poor Yorick." Because you can never have too much Hamlet. ;)**

**Reviews are always appreciated! :D**


	5. Slightly Scary Obsession At First Sight

**Well, I did warn you that it would take me a little bit longer to write the next chapter.** **Plus, I was also writing my other story (Hunger Games, not remotely related to this one AT ALL) so that probably helped with the delay, too. **

**But without further ado, here is the next scene!**

* * *

(There are some latecomers to the play. So the next chapter-well, this one-TECHNICALLY hasn't started. Yet.)

Romeo (above, walking toward the balcony that Hamlet and everyone else is on): So...why did you want to see this?

Juliet (close behind him): It's a date!

Romeo: Ah, a date! Wait...what's a date?

Juliet: Uh, well, you know, you do stuff together, get to know each other better. A date.

Romeo: Sounds weird to me, but whatever.

(They approach some empty seats-seats that just so happen to be next to Hamlet, Ophelia, Gertrude, Claudius, and all those other random people. They sit down.)

Claudius: Wait, who the heck are you?

Romeo: I am Romeo Montague, although names don't matter, because a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.

Juliet: That's MY line! *slaps him*

Romeo: Ow!

Claudius: No, no. I mean, where are you from?

Romeo: Verona. It's in Italy.

Claudius: Oh. So then I guess I can't boss you around. I'm Claudius. I'm the king of Denmark.

Hamlet (walks over to them): Denmark's a prison. *walks away*

Juliet: Um...what?

Claudius: Oh. That's my nephew. He's kind of...mentally disturbed, one might say.

(Hamlet glares at him)

Voice From Above: This is all very heartwarming, but can you guys shut up? We're TRYING to put on a show here.

Claudius: Right. Sorry.

(They finally shut up. The chapter has now started. Ariel and Puck come onstage, enchanting Ferdinand to follow them. Ferdinand can't see them-except for Puck's fake mustache.)

Ferdinand: Is this a mustache which I see before me?

Puck: Oops. *takes off fake mustache and puts it in his/her/its pocket*

Ariel (singing to the tune of Follow The Yellow Brick Road): Follow the sound of my voice. Follow the sound of my voice. Follow the, follow the, follow the, follow the sound of my voice.

(He/she/it continues singing softer and softer until the music fades away.)

Ferdinand: Where was that music coming from? Was it a goddess enchanting me? Or perhaps the floating mustache has powers of which I know not. Perhaps this island is full of mysteries, each one more intriguing than the last. Perchance we are but-

(He is interrupted by the sounds of snoring from the audience.)

Ferdinand (out of character, shouting at the audience): YOU GUYS WANTED TO SEE THIS, SO YOU MIGHT AS WELL PAY ATTENTION!

Claudius: Er. Right. Sorry.

Prospero (he and Miranda were looking in the other direction the whole time): Miranda, turn around an tell me what you see.

Miranda: I don't see...Ooh! It's a hot guy! Maybe not as hot as...I'm not sure. He's pretty hot. Is he real? Or just one of those genderless things?

Prospero: Nope. He's real. Don't ask how I know that.

Miranda: Ok. Well, in that case...OMG, IT'S A CUTE GUY!

(She runs over to him excitedly and hugs him.)

Ferdinand: Aah! Wait...whoa. I have fallen in love at first sight.

Miranda: So have I.

Romeo (above): Hmm. This seems familiar.

Juliet (also above): You're right, it does. I'm not sure why.

Ferdinand: Are you a goddess?

Prospero (under his breath): I wish.

Miranda: Uh...no...But anyway, let's happily frolic together because we've found true love!

(They begin to frolic. Don't ask how.)

Prospero (walking over): Now wait just one minute. Ferdinand-don't ask how I know your name-I think that you are a spy, even though I have no proof whatsoever.

Miranda: But he's a hot guy! Hot guys aren't evil!

Prospero: Well, too bad. He will be my slave.

Ferdinand: No way! I don't have to do anything you say, because I'm the prince of Naples! Well, actually the king, because my father died. So then I would be the king.

Hamlet (above): Pity that sort of thing doesn't happen in today's world, huh, Claudius?

Claudius (above, who was only half listening): Huh? Oh, yeah...sure. Wait, WHAT?

Prospero: I don't care. You're my slave anyway.

(He does a weird enchanty-spell-thingamajig.)

Ferdinand: I guess so, for I have no strength to fight. But nothing matters as long as I can see this beautiful creature again. For she is the-

(Prospero is snoring.)

Ferdinand: Why does no one care about the TRAGEDY of my life?

Romeo (above): Dude, if you wanted tragedy, you're in the wrong play.

Hamlet (also above): You can say that again.

Prospero (just waking up): I'm sorry, where was I? Oh yeah, you're my slave. Let's go.

(Prospero and Ferdinand exit)

Miranda: No, wait! Come back with my hot boyfriend!

(She runs after them. Ariel and Puck, the only ones left onstage, do a 5-second kickline dance before the curtain actually falls this time.)

* * *

**R and J's "date" dialogue is loosely based off some from the Disney movie Enchanted. Also, Ferdinand's line-"Is this a mustache that I see before me?" is a parody of Macbeth's "Is this a dagger that I see before me?" **

**Everything else is my own creation, except the characters. The characters are copyright Shakespeare. Well, actually, probably not, because I don't think they HAD copyrights back then. Plus they aren't as...well, weird in the actual plays. But oh well.**

**Please review! And remember, if you have any character suggestions, I'm happy to hear them!**


	6. Advisors Love To Give Advice

**Yay! Another chapter after only a day :D After this one, I probably won't be publishing for a couple days because I have summer school finals. But after that, summer school will be over and I will be FREE :D :D :D **

**Anyway, here is the next scene...**

* * *

(Curtains open. Enter Alonso, Gonzalo, Antonio, Sebastian...a.k.a. everyone who was in the ship except the crew.)

Gonzalo: Everyone's depressed, because a bunch of people died. But actually we shouldn't be depressed. Because guess what?

Sebastian: What?

Gonzalo: We're still alive!

Sebastian: Oh. I thought advisors of the king were supposed to be intelligent.

Hamlet (above): *stares pointedly at Polonius, who was one of the unimportant people watching the play*

Polonius (above): What?

Hamlet (above too): Nevermind. You're a fishmonger.

Alonso: Will everyone shut up? Including you, audience! My son is DEAD!

Gonzalo: Well, it's ok, because this is a comedy. No one dies in a comedy unless they're stupid, right?

Alonso (slightly perking up): Hey...hey, you're right!

Gonzalo: Exactly.

Alonso (excitedly): So that must mean-

Gonzalo: He was really stupid and unimportant! Precisely!

Alonso (all depressed again): Oh.

Gonzalo: I take it that doesn't make you feel any better. Well, guess what? The grass is so lush, so green!

Antonio: Is he blind? The grass is brown and old.

Sebastian: No, no. See, there's a tiny bit of green in it. Gonzalo doesn't miss a thing.

Antonio: No, he just completely misses reality.

Gonzalo (blissfully continuing on as if nothing happened): And our clothes look just as clean as they were when we first wore them...except that they're covered in seawater. But anyway, if I were king of this island, do you know what I would do?

Sebastian (rolling his eyes): Die of boredom since this place has nothing.

Gonzalo (once more continuing on): I would do things totally different. There would be no schools, no money, no work, no marriage-

Romeo (above): WHAT?

Hamlet (also above): Good.

Gonzalo: No president, no king even though I would somehow be the ruler, no sovereignty, no animals, no plants, no carbon-based life forms, no geniuses, no idiots, no-

Polonius: This speech is too long.

Hamlet (irritated): Oh, shut up. Keep talking, Gonzalo.

Gonzalo: No math, no science, no reading, no chocolate, no Internet even though it doesn't exist yet, no social life, and no island to begin with. I would govern perfectly, and the country would flourish.

Sebastian (sarcastically): Long live Lord Gonzalo!

Antonio: (also sarcastically): God save His Majesty!

Gonzalo: You two are so brave, you would shove the moon out of her orbit if she were stuck there for five weeks.

Sebastian: Wait...whaat?

Antonio (to Sebastian): I have NO idea. (aloud) Uh...yeah. And...then we'd go bird hunting.

Alonso: You guys are stupid. I'm going to sleep.

Gonzalo and everyone else except Antonio and Sebastian: Us too.

(They fall asleep almost like magic. Hmm. How mysterious.)

Antonio: Wow. They fell asleep almost like magic!

Sebastian: Hmm. How mysterious.

Antonio: Very mysterious. Very mysterious indeed. But enough about them...let's talk about you. Because, you know, I can almost see you with a crown on your head.

Sebastian: What? You must be asleep. It is very odd to have your eyes open and be talking when you're asleep.

Antonio (irritated): You're the one who's sleeping if you don't use this opportunity. Why won't you listen?

Sebastian (suddenly intrigued): I'm listening.

(Scary, dramatic music plays. The lights dim.)

Antonio: I'm talking about the king. Your brother, the king. Wouldn't it be better if you just killed him? That way, YOU COULD BE KING BECAUSE YOU KILLED YOUR BROTHER.

Claudius (above): What the-

Hamlet (also above, giddily): Isn't this a great play, Uncle Claudius?

(Claudius glares at him and Hamlet realizes that maybe he's said too much.)

Hamlet (still above): Er...haha...um...carry on, actors, carry on.

Sebastian: Yes! Yes, I will KILL MY BROTHER, THE KING! (singing rather off-key) _BE PREPAAAARED!_

Antonio (wincing): You can sing once you've killed him. I'll kill Gonzalo, because I feel like it. Now just let me tell you one more useless thing...

(They whisper. Ariel and Puck come out, still invisible.)

Ariel (singing): _While you here do snoring lie, open-eyed conspir-_

(Puck randomly pulls out a trumpet and starts playing loudly.)

Ariel: Well...that works too.

(They exit.)

Sebastian: Weapon, weapon, where's a weapon? Oh well. I'll just POUR THIS POISON INTO THE KING'S EAR WHILE HE SLEEPS, AND THEN I WILL BE THE KING!

Claudius (above, freaking out): Give me some light! Away!

(He runs away, freaking out. Everyone on the balcony follows him except Hamlet, Horatio (who was another one of the unimportant people) and Romeo and Juliet.)

Antonio (out of character): Wait...did we do something wrong?

Hamlet (above): No, just ignore Claudius. He's kind of...mentally disturbed, one might say.

(Romeo and Juliet are now staring at Hamlet like he's the mentally disturbed one. Maybe he is...)

Gonzalo (acting like nothing happened): Oh my! We just woke up and you guys are holding poison!

Sebastian: Er...while you were sleeping, we heard a noise like roaring bulls, wait...no, lions. Yeah, lions.

Antonio: Yeah, it was really loud. I'm...er, surprised you didn't hear it.

Gonzalo: It is surprising. I just heard a weird humming noise. But if you say this place is dangerous, we should probably keep moving.

Alonso: Well then, we should leave and keep looking for my son.

(All onstage characters exit. Curtains fall. Everything from now till the end of this scene is on the balcony.)

Hamlet (in the middle of a discussion): So you definitely agree he's guilty then?

Horatio: Of course. Otherwise he wouldn't have run away while freaking out.

(Polonius enters.)

Polonius: My lord, your mother wishes to speak with you.

Hamlet: Yeah, whatever. I'll go talk to her soon. But do you notice that cloud up there, shaped like a camel?

(Hamlet and Polonius start walking toward the exit.)

Polonius: Um...yeah. It does look like a camel.

Hamlet: No, it obviously looks like a weasel.

(They walk through the doors and their voices fade away. Horatio stands there awkwardly for a moment, then rushes after them. Romeo and Juliet are the only ones left on the balcony.)

Romeo: ...Well, this is awkward.

(Curtains have already closed, but too bad. Deal with it.)**  
**

* * *

**This one was actually a bit easier than some of the others, because this scene is where the actual play really starts becoming a comedy. So a lot of the Gonzalo, Antonio, and Sebastian banter is actually pretty close to the real thing.**

**Oh no! Hamlet's gone! D: Whatever will happen...**

**But since you know how much of a Hamlet fangirl I am, it shouldn't be too hard to guess whether he's coming back or not.**

**Sorry if you felt kind of cheated about the new characters-Polonius and Horatio sort of count, right? I mean, they weren't mentioned by name before. So oh well. Too bad. There WILL be new characters in the next scene.**

**Again, reviews are very appreciated! :)**


	7. An Island Is A Wood Is A Stage

**Oh my gosh. Wow. I am SO sorry for the unexplained hiatus. It was just...first summer school finals, then 4-H, then...well, to be honest, I was enjoying not having to do anything so much that I forgot about this story. Don't expect it to be any better because of the long wait, in fact I already had most of it written before I forgot about it. So...well, here it is. **

* * *

The Tempest p. 7

(Curtains open. Caliban enters, carrying logs.)

Caliban: I hate Prospero! He's so evil! He always makes me carry wood, when this island is rightfully mine! It isn't fair! No fair, I tell you! No-

Trinculo (offstage): I hate this stupid island!

Caliban: Oh no! It's one of his spirits, come to punish me! I'll hide in...er...I'll hide...on the ground. Yeah, on the ground. That way it won't see me.

(He puts his cloak over his head. It's really obvious that there is someone hiding there. Trinculo runs in.)

Trinculo: I think the storm is coming back! Where should I-(trips over Caliban)-whoa! What is this? A man...or a fish? And is it dead or alive? Well, it smells like a fish anyway.

(Thunder crackles. A mysterious voice laughs evilly.)

Romeo, Juliet, Caliban, and Trinculo: AAAHHHHHHHH!

Voice From Above: Sorry, guys. I couldn't resist.

Caliban: That is not funny. What if those witches came back again?

Voice From Above: What witches?

Caliban: The ones that apparently knew my mom.

Voice From Above: Ohhh, the ones who said "Mac-

Caliban: DON'T SAY IT!

Voice From Above: Riiight, right. Sorry. Shutting up now.

(Caliban resumes hiding under the cloak.)

Trinculo: Anyway, like I was saying, the storm is coming back! For some reason unknown to me, I will decide to hide under this monster's cloak!

(He hides under Caliban's cloak.)

Trinculo/Caliban fangirls who randomly were passing by: Our ship is canon!

(No, that's not...they aren't...no matter how I phrase it, it still sounds weird. Nevermind. Anyway, Stephano enters.)

Stephano (singing really off-key and carrying a beer bottle): It's Friday, Friday, gotta get down on Fri-Meh, this is a crummy song to sing at a funeral. Oh well, I'll sing this one instead. (resumes singing loudly and off-key) Never gonna give you up, never gonna-

(Lysander and Hermia run onstage, covering their ears.)

Hermia: What is that terrible noise?

(They look over at Stephano, who immediately stops singing.)

Stephano: Er...who are you?

Lysander: I'm Lysander, and this is Hermia. She's my girlfriend. We ran away from town so that we could get married.

Romeo (above, looking at Juliet):

Hey, there's an idea!

Juliet (also above): Meh, I don't know. I'd kinda like to stay in town. Unless you got banished or something. But I see no reason why THAT would happen...

Lysander (continuing): And then we ran into this wood.

Stephano: Uh...this is an island, dude.

Lysander: No, it's a wood.

Stephano: Island.

Lysander: Wood.

Stephano: Island!

Lysander: Wood!

Stephano: ISLAND!

Lysander: WOOD!

Hermia: STAGE!

Lysander and Stephano: ...Huh?

Hermia: All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players.

Voice From Above: Um...Hermia? Wrong play.

Hermia: Oh well, close enough. The play's the thing, after all.

Voice From Above: *sigh*

Stephano: Ok...well anyway, I'm gonna check out this here monster. (lifts up Caliban's cloak...not like that!) Oh wow! It has two heads! I bet one is the good one, and one is the bad one!

Trinculo: Hi Stephano!

Stephano: It's a demon! I'm getting outta here.

Trinculo: You're stupid.

Stephano: Er...ok. I'll pull the smaller legs. If any of these legs are Trinculo's, they must be the smaller ones.

(He pulls Trinculo's legs.)

Voice From Above: *LOL*

(Oh, shut up.)

Trinculo: Stephano! You're alive! Two Neapolitans escaped!

Stephano: Yeah, I like ice cream too. But what is that monster thing? He looks like he could use a pick-me-up. (gives Caliban beer)

Caliban (star-struck): Have you fallen from heaven?

Stephano: No, dude. The moon. I was the man in the moon a long time ago.

Caliban: I will be your servant forever!

Lysander (to Stephano): No, really, where are you from?

Stephano: Naples.

Lysander: In Italy?

Stephano: Yep.

Lysander: That does not seem probable-

Caliban (singing): FREEEEEEEEDOM!

Lysander: Then again, neither does that.

Stephano: Hey, wait a minute. If we're the only people on this island, then we're in charge!

Hermia: This country is doomed.

(Curtains fall.)

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**So, there's that chapter. **

**"All the world's a stage" and the rest of the quote is from As You Like It, which I haven't actually read, but I know the quote, so...*shrugs***

**"The play's the thing" is from Hamlet, because you know me too well by now. ;) The full quote, of course, is "The play's the thing wherein I'll catch the conscience of the king!" but that doesn't quite fit the context of this parody.**

**Please read and review! :D**


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